This column was chosen at random by my technical expert to test a new website-building strategy before his unfortunate absquatulation. It does demonstrate that Uncle Grump can occasionally achieve some level of brevity.
Ask Uncle Grump #6
by Grump Dumpkin, Jr.
Dear Uncle Grump:
Well, my rotten eleven-year-old son did it again. I was using one of his schoolbooks as a coaster for my beer, and while I was in the bathroom for a couple minutes bleeding the old weasel, my kid grabbed the book so he could do his homework, and he spilled some of my beer. I screamed bloody murder and whacked him with the first thing within reach (the cat, as things turned out), and then had to whack him again (I used the schoolbook this time) for “talking back.” (He sassed me by saying, “Please, Dad, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it, please don’t – aaagghh!!”). This is at least the third time he has spilled something in the past year, and this time I think I strained my shoulder while I was trying to teach him some manners. Plus all of this discipline is just too much hard work. Any ideas on what I should do with him the next time this happens? — Stinko in Steubenville
You have my sympathy. How hard it must be for you to have to put up with such a careless and disrespectful child.
For your son’s own good, don’t wait for this to happen again. What he needs is six or seven years as an unpaid apprentice in a Chinese factory. Maybe one of the factories that uses toxic waste to make the toys that they give away as prizes at carnival midways. You can get all the details at your local Grumpco Children’s Employment Agency. And the best part is, by the time he gets out, he’ll be eighteen, and you won’t be legally obligated to support him or even let him live in your house. Oh, and did I mention that you will receive a ten-dollar bonus just for signing him up?