Ask Uncle Grump (#68)
by Grump Dumpkin, Jr.
Dear Uncle Grump:
That danged 12-year-old next door and his juvenile delinquent pals like to play nerfball and they keep coming on my lawn to get their ball back when someone throws or hits it there. I called the cops on them, but these so-called public safety officers said they couldn’t be taking those brats off to juvie hall just for coming on my lawn. I tried going on my front porch and yelling at them and shaking my fist, but they just laughed at me and called me an old fart. Then I put up one of those big 5,000-volt electric fences like you suggested in one of your columns, but it barbecued a bunch of birds and squirrels and Lord knows what else, and then the police and the subdivision association made me tear it down anyhow. Now what am I supposed to do? I thought a man’s home was supposed to be his castle. — Foghorn-Voiced Feller From Cleveland
Well, you’re in luck, since Ohio has passed one of those cool Stand Your Ground laws to help people like you. Just get yourself a nice high-powered shotgun and a couple of boxes of buckshot, and it’s open season. Won’t those youngsters be surprised the next time they ignore your “keep off my property” sign? (Personally, I favor “Trespassers Will Be Violated.”) Like my daddy used to say before they took him away, there’s nothing like a few educational bullet holes to help teach a boy some manners. Good huntin’!
(Two weeks later)
Dear Uncle Grump:
Well, I did what you said to do about defending my property, but those kids ran away after I racked my shotgun and so I missed them with the first shot, and then I dropped the weapon by accident and put half a load of buckshot in my britches. Ouch. Then the police came while the EMS unit was patching me up and told me that I can’t shoot kids on my lawn unless my life is threatened, like if they try to break in or are suspiciously dark-complexioned. So much for my Second Amendment rights. Now those lousy little punks have been coming on my lawn again almost every day, and when I yell at them, they call me “Buckshot Butt” or “Old Yeller” or “Yosemite Sam” and stuff like that. So now what am I supposed to do? Help, Uncle Grump! — Foghorn-Voiced Feller From Cleveland
Well, I don’t know what the world is coming to when a man can’t defend his property. It’s getting so you can’t tell who you can shoot any more without hiring a lawyer. Right after gun hero George Zimmerman established that it is totally legal in Florida to confront young black people suspiciously walking in your neighborhood and then blow them away when they react to being stalked by an armed stranger, some other crazy Florida jury convicts some poor guy of murder just because he shoots a black kid for disrespectfully refusing to turn down the volume on his scary rap music. In addition to this mixed news for gun-worshipping citizens, I have to give Zimmerman my Brass Balls Award for successfully getting away with (after his acquittal) threatening both his estranged wife and his girlfriend with a gun in separate incidents less than three months apart. I guess that means that the Florida Stand Your Ground law may allow you to shoot your domestic partner when you feel threatened by her, like when she won’t shut the hell up and do what you tell her. Also, by almost getting his head blown off a few months ago in another road rage incident involving the same motorist he threatened to kill a few months beforehand, Zimmerman has taught us that when our communities are filled with road-raging heavily-armed patriots like him, you should shoot first and ask questions later.
Anyway, since you live in Cleveland, where the cops are even more trigger-happy than you are, I have a great solution for you. Just pick up a box of those cool realistic-looking toy guns and leave them on your neighbor’s porch. The kids will find them and want to play Cops and Robbers or Cowboys and Indians, or something more modern, like Vigilante Neighborhood Watch. The minute you see them doing that, you just call 911 and tell them that there are dangerous kids waving around guns in your neighborhood, and before you know it, the police will show up and kill them in “self-defense.” The cops will be happy to perform this public service for you, because they know that even in the unlikely event that a prosecutor is willing to go after them for killing unarmed kids, the jury will never convict anyway. Problem solved!